


Of Green Dots and Green Lights.

by mujiwastesink



Category: Bayaniserye - Fandom, Goyo: Ang Batang Heneral (2018), Heneral Luna (2015)
Genre: Angst, Best Friends, Grecinto, Grecinto are Exes, Gremedios are exes, M/M, MINORS BEWARE OF THE FIRST FEW CHAPTERS, Mentions of Sex, POV Second Person, Second Chances, Slow Burn, fubu, taglish, time skip
Language: Filipino
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-11
Updated: 2019-01-11
Packaged: 2019-10-08 07:15:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 11
Words: 15,331
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17382098
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mujiwastesink/pseuds/mujiwastesink
Summary: "...you're you, EJ."And suddenly, everything that felt wrong in your life before this moment felt worth it. Because somehow, you knew... that the only reason why you went through all of those is because it has been preparing you for this.





	1. Chapter 1

PART I.

> **Ginusto mo 'to, hindi ba? Bakit parang nagsisisi ka na ngayon?**

"Can't we just be friends?" That was the last message in your chat. Pagkatapos ng nakarami-raming pagkakataong naramdaman mong napahiya ka dahil sa tinatawag na "seenzone", para namang isang malaking buntong-hininga para sa'yo na mang-"seenzone" for once. Honestly, you can't blame yourself for wanting too. Sa tinagal-tagal na pagpapatagal ng istorya niyo, hindi mo namang mapipigilang mapagod minsan. Tutal, hanggang ngayon naman siguro, biro ka lang para sa kanya, hindi ba?

"Okay, EJ. Wala lang yun. Wag ka nang umasa," you told yourself. Yan tayo eh. Minsan, dahil sa hindi mapigil-pigil na pagbibisita sa nakaraan (kahit gaano kasakit para sa'yo ngayon), napupunta sa ganitong sitwasyon.

Sa totoo nga lang, minsan napapaisip ka rin di'ba? Na sana hindi mo na lang nalaman ang totoo?

> **~~The two of you were never platonic in the first place.~~ **

_**December 4, 2013** _

"Um, hi! Emilio Jacinto, hindi ba?"

Hindi mo mapigilang tumitig, pero sigurado ka ring hindi ang mga katangiang pisikal ang humila sa'yo papunta sa kanya.

No, it was definitely more than that.

"Y-yeah. Greg?"

He amusedly laughed at what you said, as if it was something dumb. Na-self conscious ka naman bigla. Bakit kaya tumawa 'to? Are you talking to the wrong person?

No, this was definitely him. You know because you stalked his Facebook.

"Sorry," he paused, still shaking from soft laughter. "I just realized that you've never addressed me by name on chat. That's why I never got the chance to correct you. Goyo."

"Huh?"

He smiled and wiped the water out from his face. Then wiped it on his stomach before offering a handshake. "Goyo na lang itawag mo sa'kin."

You nod, and shakily put your hand forward to meet his saltwater-saturated one for a handshake. Despite the dim, cloudy sky, you could still clearly see the beautiful defined ripples in his naked upper body.

(You were never really a big fan of abs, because you apparently are "sick of the generics", but damn.)

Honestly, hindi mo nga alam kung bakit ka sumama dito. You kept on refusing kasi hindi ka naman pumupunta sa meetings.

(Technically, you don't have to. Hindi ka naman talaga official member. Nilagay ka lang talaga nila sa attendance sheets because somebody who knew you were left-handed as well put you in the group chat. Why was there a need for a lefties club, anyway? It's not like itataob niyo ang rightie-dominated society na ito.)

So laking gulat mo na lang when the club treasurer, someone named Greg del Pilar on Facebook suddenly reminds you on chat to pay 60 pesos for the three meetings that you missed. Kaya inaway mo bigla. Wow, great way for a first impression, EJ.

"It's a good thing na sumunod ka," Goyo took a towel out from his bag that sat next to a mat. From the looks of things, you thought that this guy was a beach constant. Sobrang prepared ang mga gamit. You'd even be willing to bet your allowance that this beach party was his idea.

You watched as he wiped himself dry with his towel (looking back at it now, was he really drying himself in slow motion or was it just you being a horny teenager?), and flung it over his shoulder.

"Dalhin na kita sa kwarto mo," he offered. Bigla ka niyang inakbayan at naramdaman mong uminit ang mga pisngi mo. Ba't parang ang casual lang ng lalaking ito? (Pero sa totoo lang, hindi ka naman siguro mabo-bother kung wala kang nararamdamang init sa katawan mo bago pa siya umakbay at dinala ka sa room na assigned para sa'yo.)

"Wait, ok ka lang ba?"

Napatango ka lang at umupo ka sa higaan mo.

"Namumula ka. You look sick. Are you having an allergy attack? O may lagnat ka?"

Hindi mo alam kung anong pang pwede mong imbentuhing excuse, kaya ito na lang lumabas sa mga bibig mo:

"I'm gay, so..."

Tumawa siya. That was the second time that day na napatawa mo siya.

_It felt good, didn't it?_

"Sorry," he wiped some tears forming in his eyes. "I didn't know. Na-uncomfortable ka ba sa pag-akbay ko?"

"M-medyo," you shyly laughed. "The fact that you're shirtless isn't helping either."

Wow. Hindi mo rin kayang maging subtle no?

Maybe you _are_ a horny teenager.

Luckily for you, tumawa siya ulit. Genuinely. It wasn't an uncomfortable laugh, so you inwardly sighed.

"I'm really sorry," he apologized again. "Babalik na lang ako sa beach, okay? Tatawagin na lang kita mamaya para sa team-building."

At bago niya masara ang pinto, he said this with a wink:

"And I promise to not show off my body later."

Red-faced, you threw your shoe his way, only for it to hit the door. You hear his (sexy) laughter from the outside as he walked away.


	2. Chapter 2

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights**.

**PART II.**

**_December 4, 2013_ **

"Goyo, are you sure?" You ask through heavy breaths.

"Masyado atang mabilis?" You feel him shake his head in disapproval to your last question.

No, masyado nga talaga kayong mabilis. You've only had small talks with this guy. And you only met him less than 6 hours ago.

But even then...

Your eyes glue shut as you feel his hungry lips run over your neck. Your breathing thickens. Your fingers clasp his hair.

"G-goyo, sigurado ka ba?"

"Anong ibig mong sabihin?" he asks, not taking his face off of your neck.

"I mean... you're straight."

He pulls away from you and stares you in the eye. His devilish smirk increased the heat in your body.

"I might not be anymore," he says as he dove right into your neck again.

You lost a lot of things that night; your innocence, your restraint, your self-control. And ever since then, when it comes to him, those three things have never been the same for you.

Paano ka nga ba dumating sa ganitong sitwasyon? Hindi ito ang ine-expect mong magiging first time mo, pero in a way, you have no regrets. Especially because you enjoyed, and you got to do things na nababasa mo lang noon sa mga kwento.

You'd be lying if you didn't hope this would happen, though. Pagkatapos noong maliit na landian sa kwarto mo, kinailangan mong maligo sa malamig na tubig para ikalma ang sarili mo. That didn't work, though.

Hindi niya naman kasi tinuloy ang pangako niyang hindi niya ipagyayabang ang katawan niya. Sa gabing iyon, sa team-building activity, he showed up in a muscle shirt. Paglabas mo sa inn, natigilan ka agad sa nakita mo - siya, nakakalokong ngumingiti sa iyo.

"So, are you ready?" He stretched his limbs, but you knew he was just flexing to troll you.

"It's not working," you rolled your eyes, but yes, yes it was.

And the games started. (Un)fortunately for you, you got to be on the same team as him. During the first game, which was egg relay, he volunteered to be a station. You were supposed to be on the front of the line, but due to his annoying smirk in front, you had to go to the back.

Habang papalapit na ang turn mo, mas lalong kumakabog ang dibdib mo. May tinginan eh. May pakagat-labi. In fact, parang wala siyang pakialam sa larong nangyayari (and to think he's a club officer, smh), and nakangiting tumititig lang sa'yo the whole time.

Normally, you'd be annoyed if this was some random stranger practically undressing you with his eyes, but Gregorio del Pilar was no stranger. From your small talk via chat, alam mo nang may substance din siyang kausapin kahit papaano. That's how he was able to convince you to come in the first place.

Syempre, being the competitive shithead that you are, nag-focus ka pa rin sa pag-balanse ng itlog na nakapatong sa kutsarang kinakagat mo.

Focus lang.

Kahit ang lagkit ng tingin ng station person sa'yo.

_(Hindi mo naman masasabing it doesn't feel good to be desired, though.)_

There was a bit of hand-holding during one game (not the romantic kind, simply a requirement in the game), and some intense physical contact during another. This was too close for comfort, but anyway, wala ka namang reklamo (if you're being honest. Hindi ka naman maubusan ng reklamo the whole time eh).

Come dinner, everyone was a panting, heavily breathing, sweaty mess. Wala ka pa namang kilala dito sa club, unlike everyone na siguro naging acquainted na dahil sa pag-aattend ng meetings, so umupo ka sa may labas ng rented cottage.

"Ang liit lang ng kinain mo, ah?" You heard a familiar voice talk. Tumalikod ka to look at him, and there he was, with a plateful of food. "Hindi ka ba gugutumin niyan mamaya?"

"Hindi naman," you answered. "I don't usually eat at night."

"Isn't that unhealthy?"

"I don't know. Wala kasi talaga akong gana kung gabi eh."

Lowkey kinilig ka naman nang umupo siya sa tabi mo, and when he nudged you gently with his shoulder.

"Ikaw? Hindi ba panira sa diet mo yang nasa pinggan mo?" You asked, initiating conversation.

"Kung tumaba ba ako, di ka na maglalaway sa'kin?"

"Ewan ko sa'yo."

A pause. You fell into an uncomfortable silence. Hindi mo rin alam kung anong sasabihin mong susunod, so you played with the white sand in your feet instead. Siya naman, patuloy lang sa pagkain.

"So, what made you decide na sumunod dito? Ako ba?" He finally broke the silence.

Munti ka nang mabilaukan sa pahabol niya na tanong."Feeler ka din no? Nandito lang ako to avoid trouble sa bahay, no other reason."

"Oooh, sounds interesting. Bakit kaya?"

"Because I came out recently. Needless to say, hindi nila nagustuhan," you half-lied. In reality, your parents did hate you being gay, but you honestly don't know why you're here. "In fact, baka nga pumayag sila na sumama ako dito para hindi nila makita."

"Unlucky them," ngumisi siya at ginulo ang buhok mo. "Kung ayaw ka nilang makita, someone else deserves to enjoy the view."

You scoff. (Fakely, of course. Aminin mo, lumundag ang puso mo.) "Alam mo, you should seriously stop flirting with me."

"Because it's working?" You wanted nothing more than to wipe that smug look off his face, but he's still somehow attractive with that annoying look.

"Yes, it is," you decide to be honest about that part, at least. "It's working, and I don't quite like it. Ayokong pinapaasa, okay?"

"You're cute,"

"I just said--"

At dito na _talagang_ nag-umpisa ang lahat: sa paghawak niya ng kamay mo. (Little do you know that this moment will haunt you for a long time.)

Kanina, nag-handshake kayo. Kanina, sa laro, nag-holding hands din kayo, pero palm-to-palm lang. (And should we mention yung chest-to-chest niyo kanina, where your temples were practically glued together?)

Pero ngayon, your fingers are intertwined.

_So, this is how it feels._

Wala kang masabi, kaya hindi mo na lang pinilit ang sarili mo. Baka ano pang katangahan ang masabi mo.

"Wala kang reklamo?" tanong niya.

"W-wala."

Again, you two fell into silence. In the back of your mind, you wonder why you're letting a straight (?) guy spin you in circles, but what's wrong with choosing your own wants for once, right?

Your days in the closet had put you through too much. Iniwasan ang kilig (to the point where you've gotten too used to it, that you don't know if you still need it), iniwasan ng mga kaibigan (Some girl even went as far as to say you might steal her boyfriend. Bakla ka, yes. Desperado? Maybe, but not for her boyfriend), at sinakit ng pisikal ng mga dating classmate.

It's the first time someone's actually flirting with you. Sino ka ba para humindi, di'ba?

So you let the minutes pass. Hindi mo na inisip kung anong sasabihin ng iba. This feels nice. Does what is wrong and what is right matter when it comes to your happiness, given everything you've endured so far?

"You want to get out of here?"

"H-ha?"

"Come on."

Sumunod ka naman. Hindi ka naman nag-reklamo pa, kahit alam mong parang masyado namang mabilis at kakakilala niyo lamang.

"I want... all of you tonight," he breathes out. You feel your heartbeats beat in time as your chests press closer to each other.

You nod in approval and left everything up to the universe's decree.

In the end, you, at least, deserve a night of happiness, right? After choosing to let other people fuck you over and walk all over you, it wouldn't hurt to choose yourself for once, right?


	3. Chapter 3

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART III.**

**_December 5, 2013._ **

Gumising ka na naka-unan sa isang matipunong dibdib. Dahan-dahan kang bumangon. The light from the window gave you a great view of what you woke up wrapped in. The room's white sheets were a mess (and probably needed to be replaced), and your lower body ached.

Kahapon, this body you woke up with was just something you couldn't help but stare at. Tapos ngayon...

"Good morning," he huskily moaned as he realized you were awake. He raised his arms to pull you down, close to him, and gave you a soft kiss right on the lips.

You pulled away to breathe, and sat up back again. "I don't really know what to say. Ano bang ginagawa ng mga tao pagkatapos mag--"

"Hay nako, EJ. You think too much," he shook his head in amusement.

"Bumabawi lang. I might've thought a lot less last night."

"Why? Are you unsatisfied sa performance ko?"

You feel a blush fill your cheeks. Bakit ba kasi sobrang casual ng lalaking ito sa ganitong usapan?

"I have nobody to compare you to. Kaya ngayon, sabihin nating satisfied ako, ok?" Nagulat ka na kaya mo palang sumagot ng ganun kahaba, given the awkwardness in the situation. You were about to stand up, pero narealize mong wala ka palang suot pang-ilalim.

"Saan na ba ang boxers ko," you muttered as you difficultly surveyed the floor, while simultaneously trying to hide your privates.

"You know you can just get the blanket for yourself," tinapik niya ang balikat mo. "I don't mind. Nakita mo na naman ang lahat."

You weren't looking at him, but you knew he was smirking. You gulped.

Suddenly, you caught a familiar green article of clothing. T-shirt na suot mo kagabi. Kaya nga lang, punit.

"M-may extra shirt ka?"

\- - -

"OMG!!! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU!" sigaw ng best friend mo na si Remedios noong kinuwento mo sa kanya sa tawag. "Gwapo ba? Anong pangalan?"

"Hoy gaga! Hindi ko sasabihin yung pangalan, pero, oo, gwapo!"

"Ba't ayaw mong sabihin ang pangalan?"

"Ayoko namang ipagmayabang. Besides, he's straight. Mas mabuti nang itago na lang muna natin sa pangalang... John."

"John? Parang ang bland naman."

"Ok na yan! Wala akong maisip!"

Bumuntong hininga si Remy. "Kayo na ba?"

"Hindi ko alam!" Sabi mo. "Alam ko naman na one-night stands don't mean na relationship na agad."

Sabi mo yan, but deep inside umaasa kang some part of that is real. Because it's the first time someone treated you like that. It's the first time someone paid attention to what you wanted; to who you really were.

"Well, if he shows any more affection, magpa-DTR ka sa kanya ha?"

"DTR?"

"Define The Relationship. Mahirap na."

"Sige," you agree. From afar, nakita mong may kumakaway sa'yo. Ang clubmate mo na nakabasag ng itlog sa relay. It's time to eat. "Sige, Remy, breakfast time na namin. I'll talk to you later. I love you, bitch!"

"Mahal din kitang bakla ka," tawa niya. "Ang bilin ko ha?"

"Okay po!"

\- - -

"Hi baby," rinig mo sabay ng pag-akbay niya sa'yo. "Ligo tayo."

Lumayo ka nang napansin mong basang basa siya dahil galing siya sa beach. "No, I'm okay. Hindi ako marunong lumangoy."

"Hindi ka ba tinuruan ng papa mo noong bata ka?" Tanong niya at umupo sa tabi mo.

"Hindi eh. Seaman ang tatay ko so wala siya lagi sa bahay. Ironic, hindi ba? Anak ng seaman. Hindi marunong lumangoy," you scoffed. "Anyway, kung gusto mong lumangoy, go ahead."

"Hindi, alam kong may plano kang lumangoy. I saw swimming stuff sa mga gamit mo."

"In case lang. Team building sa beach, hindi ba? So malamang baka may activities sa tubig," paliwanag mo.

"Pero wala," he pointed out.

"Pero wala," you repeated.

"Dito na lang ako. Sasamahan kita. Ang lonely mo naman dito," he decided and grabbed a towel from his beach bag. "Dry me?" He offered.

Ikaw na lowkey malandi, hindi rin makatanggi. So kinuha mo ang towel at pinahid sa kanya hanggang matuyo siya. Walang tigil din ang pagtitig niya sa'yo habang tinatuwalya mo ang buhok niya.

Suddenly, you felt anxious.

"Paano kung makita tayo ng iba dito? Baka mag-malisya sila," mahina mong sabi sa kanya.

"Edi mag-malisya sila. They'd be right to," he grinned, and Remy's advice suddenly appeared in your head.

"Ano ba tayo, Goyo? Sinabi ko sa'yo na ayaw kong paasahin, di'ba?" Pagpatanda mo sa kanya. "Kung pinagbigyan mo lang ako dahil--"

Nilagay niya ang hintuturo niya sa bibig mo.

"Whatever we have, it's something so special that it doesn't need to be labelled, okay? Ganun ka para sa'kin, EJ," he cupped your cheek and looked straight into your eyes. "Let's enjoy this while we can."

"Pero bakit ako, Goyo? May mga magagandang babae din naman sa club. Bakit ako?"

"Noong nag-chachat tayo, isa lang ang nasa isip ko, EJ," he revealed, and sat you next to him. "I needed to see you in person. Kaya I did my best to convince you."

"Bakit?"

"Dahil ibang klase ka. You're different from anyone I've ever met. Napaka-self aware mo, napakatalino mong pumili ng salita, at higit sa lahat..."

You gulped. Nararamdaman mong naiiyak ka na, dahil ngayon mo lang narinig ang mga ganyan. All your life, you've been very weird with compliments, because you rarely receive any. And now, this much in succession... it's too much.

"...you're you, EJ."

And suddenly, everything that felt wrong in your life before this moment felt worth it. Because somehow, you knew... that the only reason why you went through all of those is because it has been preparing you for this.

You take a risk.

And you pull him close.

And the two remaining days in this camp felt like forever.

_**December 8, 2013** _

Magkahawak ang inyong mga kamay habang lumalakad papunta sa bus na naghihintay sa labas ng resort. At this point, aware na ang lahat sa estado ninyo, pero hindi na rin nagtanong. In a way, this was a relief - to know that people respect your privacy.

"Hatid mo ako sa bahay," you joked. In the course of two days, you learned how to flirt and how to be clingy. There were never awkward moments between you and him when you did that, because he always hits back with a clever joke of his own.

"Hmmm, hindi lang ako sure, By. Malayo kasing inuuwian ko eh," he replied apologetically, all the while looking at his phone.

(Aminin mo, medyo na-disappoint ka 'no?)

Nagtaka ka kung bakit bigla niyang binitawan ang kamay mo, at nag-akbay na lang. Pero kahit hindi mo alam kung bakit, hinayaan mo na lang. Tutal, PDA pa rin naman yun di'ba?

Malapit na kayo sa bus, at nakita mong may naka-tayo sa may entrance ng bus niyo. You took off your shades to see clearer, and your eyes recognized your best friend from afar.

Tumakbo ka papunta sa kanya. Para kang tanga sa pagtakbo na may malaking bag na dala.

"Bakla?! OMGIEEEE!" Remy recognized you as well, and waited at the bus with her arms open, ready to hug you.

"Gaga! Paano mo nalamang nandito akoooo?!" Ang tindi ng yakap mo sa kanya, parang isang taong hindi nagkita.

"I didn't!" she revealed. "Pumunta ako para sunduin ang boyfriend ko!"

"Boyfriend? May boyfriend ka?"

"Syempre naman! Ako pa ba! Speaking of," she squinted her eyes to check if she was right. "There he is! Babe!" Tinaas niya ang kamay niya at nag-wave.

Pero wala namang taong sumusunod kay Goyo. Malapit na rin siya sa bus.

"Babe," Remy said again, but to no one (?).

**_((It can't be, right?))_ **

"Hi Babe," Goyo said as he engulfed her in a hug, and placed a kiss on her head.

And your feet froze. At the worst moment. Sa pagkakataong iyon, gusto mong sumigaw, manampal, tumakbo palayo, o mawala. Pero wala kang magawa. All you can do is stand there as it all happened too fast (just as you and him happened too fast as well).

"Saan nga pala si Alias John mo?" tanong ni Remy, na walang alam sa mga nangyayari.

You made your best friend's boyfriend cheat on her. May nagagawa ka pa bang tama, Emilio Jacinto?

Ito ang naririnig mo sa utak mo ng paulit-ulit, paiba-iba ng kalakasan, paiba-iba ng boses, paiba-iba ng bilis. Parang lahat ng nakilala mo sa buhay mo, sinasampal ka ng katangahan mo.

"Ah... eh... nauna nang umuwi," pagsisinungaling mo.

"Alias John?" he asked, evidently confused.

"Ay, kasi Babe, may naka-fling yan dito. Nasaan na ba yun? Gusto kong makilala!"

You threw him a subtle angry look, one quick enough for Remy not to see.

"Umuwi na si John eh," he replied. "Pasok na tayo."

You spent the entire bus ride staring into the window, as your best friend and her boyfriend slept leaning on each other. You ignore the worried eyes from your clubmates, who, over time, you had also become close to.

**_At the end of the day, wala ka nga talagang silbi, EJ._ **


	4. Chapter 4

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights**

**December 15, 2013**

"Goyo, I-"

Hindi ka na niya pinatapos, at pinatahimik ka na lang gamit ang isang mapusok na halik. At sa kasamaang palad, hindi mo na naman natupad ang usapan mo sa sarili mo na tatapusin mo na ng ugnayan ninyo. Ilang araw ka ring nagalit pagkatapos mong malaman ang totoo, pero noong nagkasalubong kayo sa may CR last week, isang halik lang pala sa noo ang magpapabalik sa'yo sa katangahan mo.

_(It's easy to pretend na hindi mo nalamang sila ng best friend mo na nasa ibang school nag-aaral, hindi ba? Kasi nga di'ba uunahin mo na ang magpapasaya sa'yo simula ngayon?)_

At ngayon, ikaw na mismo ang pumunta sa bahay niya. You're hiding from everyone now. Your parents, your best friend, and even from yourself. Para sa isang bagay na sobra kang pinapasaya, hindi naman kawalan ang mga iyan, di'ba?

It became an unspoken rule for both of you to not talk about Remedios and her existence kung kayong dalawa lang. Your flirty conversations continue, and sex became a constant. Minsan nga, nakikitulog ka na lang sa kanila, masked under the words "group project".

But tonight, you ignored that rule for the first time.

"Piliin mo ako," you sobbed. You had just finished one round, and your body is collapsed against his chest. He is sitting down with his back straightly leaning against his bed's headboard, and your tears roll down his sweat-stained skin.

He says nothing.

Sa isa nanamang pagkakataon, pinili mong magkunwaring hindi ka nasaktan, kaya natulog ka na lang na nakasandal sa kanya.

**March 12, 2014**

Isang malakas na sampal. Iyan ang nakuha mo mula kay Remedios.

(Be honest, you deserved that.)

Three months mo nang niloloko ang best friend mo. Three months ka nang gumagawa ng kababalaghan kasama ang lalaking mahal niya. Three months ka nang lumalabas ng bahay para lihim na makipagkita sa lalaking minamahal mo. At three months ka na ring walang-konsensiyang gumagawa ng mga ito.

Para sa pesteng kaligayahan na yan.

"Paano mo nagawa sa'kin 'to, EJ?!"

Hindi mo maipinta ang mukhang suot niya ngayon. Isang paghalo ng diri, sakit, kalungkutan, at kawalan ang nakikita mo sa mga mata niya. Hindi mo inakalang sa ganitong paraan niya malalaman. Pumunta siya dito para i-sorpresa ang boyfriend niyang "may sakit", pero pagdating dito, napaupo siya sa sahig sa nasaksihan niya.

(Ayan, masaya ka na?)

Bago ka pa makasagot, sinampal ka niya ulit. Kahit anong sakit ang nararamdaman mo sa pisngi mo ngayon, hindi ka na nagreklamo. Dahil alam mong mas higit na sakit ang binigay mo sa pinakamatalik mong kaibigan.

At umalis na siya. Iniwan kang tulala sa itaas ng hagdan.

"EJ."

Bumalik ka sa kwarto. Problemado si Goyo na nakaupo sa kama na walang saplot. Tinitigan mo siya mula ulo hanggang paa.

Iyan ba? Iyan bang katawang yan ang dahilan kung bakit kinaya mong saktan ang isang kaibigang kilala mo mula noong bata ka?

"I'm done," sabi mo. Sa wakas, nasabi mo na. Sa pagkatagal-tagal na overdue niyan, ngayon mo lang nahanapan ng lakas para sabihin iyan. Kung kailang nagkagulo na ang lahat.

"H-ha?"

You took a deep breath. "I said I'm done. Matagal ko na dapat tinapos 'to, Goyo. Pero pinili nating magkunwaring wala tayong alam."

"EJ, I can't lose you too," he got on his knees and grabbed your arm. Namumula na ang mga mata niya. Bakit sa iyo, iiyak siya? Kay Remedios hindi siya umiyak?

Mahal ka na ba niya?

Mas mahal ka ba niya?

Pero... kahit na. Maling-mali ang ginawa mo. Kaya hindi mo na siya tinanong at nagligpit na lang ng gamit mo, kahit lumuluhod na siya sa kakaiyak.

And in this naked state, you saw him for what he really is: that he's only just someone who's completely scared of being left behind.

Lumuhod ka para tingnan siya muli sa mga mata. His eyes spoke for themselves. Nagmamakaawa na huwag siyang iwan dito na mag-isa.

"Dati," he began. "Nagmakaawa kang piliin kita. Eto na. Pinipili kita, EJ. Kaya please, huwag mo akong iwan."

"You're too late," sagot mo. "At kahit matagal mo na rin akong pinili, mali pa rin."

You give him a last kiss on his forehead. "I'm sorry," you whisper, and stood up to leave. Sa bawat hakbang mo palayo, mas naririnig mo ang kanyang mga hikbi.

Tumingin ka sa taas, at bumulong ng isang panalangin.

> _Alam ko pong wala akong karapatang humingi ng kahit ano, pagkatapos ng mga nagawa ko... Pero bigyan Niyo po ako ng lakas na huwag tumalikod._

At tuluyan ka nang umalis sa bahay at sa buhay niya sa sandaling iyon.

**March 27, 2014**

Ang lola mo lang ang tao sa pamilya mo na alam mong nakakatanggap sa totoong ikaw. Sa katotohanan, siya ang unang nakaalam tungkol dito.

Sinabi mo na rin sa kanya ang kababuyang ginawa mo, at kahit napagalitan ka, tinanggap ka pa rin niya. At sinamahan ka rin niya noong sinabi mo sa mga magulamg mo ma gusto mong mag-shift at mag-aral sa ibang lugar.

Your parents didn't immediately approve, of course. You're already on the second semester of your first year. Why shift now?

"Ayaw niyo pa, Ma, Pa? Hindi niyo ako makikita, hindi na kayo maba-bad trip," you spat. Hindi mo alam kung saan ka kumuha ng lakas na sabihin iyan, but you figured you have nothing left to lose. Konti ka nang masampal ng ama mo sa sinabi mo, pero ang lola mo ang nakapag-kumbinsi sa kanila na hayaan ka. Either way, sa kanya ka naman titira, kaya tutulong siya.

You just needed to start again.


	5. Chapter 5

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART V**

**July 17, 2018**

"Wow, that's a first," bati ng officemate mo pagpasok mo sa opisina. Dumiretso ka kaagad sa desk mo at kumuha ng towel sa drawer mo. Parang ang lagkit ng pakiramdam mo sa pawis mo. It's been a while since you experienced this. God, Manila traffic is horrendous.

"Nalate ka ata, Kuya EJ?" Tumigil ang officemate mo sa ginagawa niya, at tiningnan kang may halong awa. (Sa bagay, he'd be right to. Mukha ka ngang kawawa.

"Nasiraan ako ng makina kagabi. Had to commute," you groan. "May na-miss ba ako, Joven?"

"Wala naman po," he shakes his head. "Pero heads up lang po kita na whole day na may ka-meeting si Sir Paco sa loob."

"Oh, okay. So kay sino magsu-submit ng writeups?"

"Kay Sir Ed lang daw po."

You nodded and then turned to your desk. You ran over the stick-on notes you attached on your computer monitor.

Si Joven ay schoolmate mo from college. Hindi naman kayo close noon, kasi hindi mo naman siya kaklase, pero nagkataong parehas kayo ng in-applyan na opisina. "Kuya" ang tawag niya sa'yo kasi one year older ka. Because you shifted on what was supposed to be your second year of AB PolSci to AB English, which you don't really have any regrets over.

Nakuha mo naman ang fresh start na kailangan mo sa first year mo sa AB English: bagong bahay, bagong mga kasama sa bahay, bagong mga aralin, bagong mga kapitbahay, bagong komunidad, bagong paaralan, bagong mga kaibigan... everything felt new.

_**riiiiing~** _

"Hello po, Sir Paco?" Sagot mo sa tawag mula sa head office.

"Jay, nasa labas na ang event organizer. Paki-dala dito sa office, may ka-meeting ako eh," mahinahon na sabi ni Sir Paco sa'yo.

Tumayo ka para sunduin ang event organizer (What event? Parang wala ka namang narinig tungkol dito?), and true enough, may babae ngang nasa labas ng pinto niyo. Nginitian mo lang siya, and informed her that you were sent by Paco.

Sumunod naman siya sa'yo. Once you were in Sir Paco's office's door, you gently knocked, in case the guy he was in a meeting with gets offended easily. On normal days, you would just go inside without permission. Tutal, close na rin naman sa inyong lahat ang boss niyo, kaya ok lang.

You grab the doorknob, and to your surprise, it twisted by itself. The door was opened for you from the inside.

You gesture for the woman behind you to go inside. Pumasok naman siya. Hahawakan mo na sana ang doorknob para isara ang pinto pero...

"EJ?"

Biglang nanlamig ang mga paa mo. Lumaki ang mata mo noong nakita mo kung kay sino galing ang boses na iyon.

Goyo.

You feel your insides tighten as you look him in the eyes again after a long time.

(You see sadness in his eyes, but you choose not to assume it's because of you.)

Dali-dali mong sinara ang pintuan at bumalik sa desk mo.

\- - - - -

"Wag mo lang pansinin," payo ni Sir Ed sabay kagat mula sa sandwich niya. Tumango naman si Joven na pagsasang-ayon.

"Hindi naman talaga. It's not like I'm going to talk to him," you reasoned out.

That's what you said at lunch. And yes, the whole day did go by without you seeing him again. Tutal, nasa office lang naman siya ni Sir Paco.

Pagka-out mo ay agad ka nang pumila sa may taxi bay. (Para makauwi ka ng maaga, at para makaalis ka na bago pa siya lumabas mula sa head office at maabutan ka. Those two seconds of eye contact were awkward enough as it is.)

Unfortunately for you, mahaba ang pila sa labas. Di bale. Isang araw lang naman 'to. Bukas, most likely, ayos na ang sasakyan mo. Konting tiis lang, EJ.

_drip._

Oh no, uulan ba? Right now? Na wala kang sasakyan at napalayo mo pa sa unahan ng pila? Anong klaseng kamalasan ito?

(Ito ba ang parusa sa walang hanggang pagbubusina sa mga nasa harap kung traffic? Is this what you get for your contribution to noise pollution?)

Dali-dali mong nilabas ang clear folder mo at nilagay sa ulo mo, kahit alam mo na ang kapalaran mo ngayong hapon. Uuwi kang basa, you just know it.

"Jay!"

Hinanap mo kung saan direksyon kung may tumatawag sa'yo. Lumingon ka sa kanan, at may nakita kang itim na sasakyan. Sa loob, si Sir Paco nasa front seat.

With _him_ driving.

"Ba't ka nakapila diyan?"

Goyo looks at you from the driver's seat.

(Sa nakikita mo, mukha pa rin siyang malungkot. But that's none of your business. He's none of your business. He hasn't been for four years.)

  
"Nasira po kasi kagabi ang sasakyan ko, Sir! Commute na lang po muna ako!" You explained, almost in a shout.

"Sabay ka na lang sa'min! Saan ka ba?"

"Naku, wag na po Sir! Nakakahiya naman!"

(This _**can't**_ be happening.)

"No, I insist. Uulan na maya-maya. Come on."

This is Goyo's car. You just know it. You know because you remember this from the time the two of you were fooling around. You even used to take long rides with him in this thing, driving to far places with fingers intertwines and then doing some... things.

(If you go inside this car, it would almost be like slipping back into the past you've worked so hard to forget.)

"Don't worry about me, Sir! I can handle a little rain. Papasok pa rin naman ako bukas sa trabaho, hehe."

"Jay, go inside. That's an order from your boss."

Alright, Sir Paco is using the "i-need-the-writeups-in-3-hours" voice. That means you can't say 'No'. He might be a gentle fellow, but his built and stature is enough to say he means business.

(And they say the kindest people are the scariest when mad. Sir Paco is the very epitome of that saying.)

Dahan-dahan kang lumakad papunta sa sasakyan, at dahan-dahan ring naaalala mo ang mga pangyayaring associated sa sasakyan na ito. You take a deep breath and make your way into the backseat, uncomfortably settling in to the situation.

"By the way, this is Greg. Siya yung ka-meeting ko buong araw," Paco introduced.

"We've met," dagdag niya, and he turned to the back to give you sa smile.

"You have?" Paco asked.

"Opo, Sir. Binuksan niya po ang pinto kanina noong hinatid ko ang event organizer," you explained. "Nice to meet you, Sir Greg."

(That's funny. I thought that was your name too. Turns out, there are going to be a lot more "I thought's" when it comes to you.)

Natigilan siya sa sagot mo kay Paco. You can't help it. You need to pretend you don't know him. Para hindi na kailangan halungkatin ang nakaraan niyo.

"I hope we become friends, Jay," sabi niya na lang, using the shortened version of your nickname that only Sir Ed and Sir Paco use. You have a brief moment of eye contact through the mirror, but you pulled away from that first.

This was going to be one awkward ride.


	6. Chapter 6

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART VI**

Kung paano ka na-convince ni Sir Paco na sumama sa kanila mag-dinner, you have no idea. Somehow, mahirap naman kasi talaga hindian ang boss mo, especially dahil mabait ito at minsa'y nagtatampo kung hinihindian ang opportunities dahil sa hiya. And also, nag-offer rin siya na manglibre.

Pero dahil bigla na lang itong na-jebs pagkatapos niyong kumain, you can't help but regret kung bakit ka pa sumama. Habang nandoon siya sa CR, naiwan ka kasama ang... ex mo.

(Can you even call him an ex? Pinili ka lang naman niya when you were about to leave him, so technically he was your boyfriend for about two seconds, but that's it. Maybe he's just an ex-fubu. With feelings. Argh. Wag mo nang pahirapan ang sarili mo sa kakaisip.)

"So..." he greeted awkwardly. "Writer ka na pala ngayon."

"Mm-hmm," you nodded.

"What happened to being a lawyer?"

I gave that up for a fresh start.

"Nah, I woke up one day and realized na hindi ko siya calling," you shrugged.

You could just ignore him, but the sad eyes that he was presenting to you through the mirror during the drive to this fastfood restaurant made you feel some type of way.

(Pity, most likely. The last time you saw him, you had him crawling naked on his knees for you to stay with him.)

A pang of guilt hits you.

Although you've apparently already made up with Remy, after a Facebook chat from last month, you still couldn't rid yourself of that.

Pero on the other hand, minsan nababagabag ka rin ng konsensiya mo sa pag-iwan kay Goyo sa ganung lagay.

Kaya eto, pagbibigyan mo na lang siya, to an extent, of course. The pain, the guilt and the disgust you feel for what you were before still haven't left you after all these years.

"Ikaw, bakit ka nasa office kanina?" Tanong mo.

"Hindi mo lang ba tatanungin kung anong trabaho ko?"

"Yeah, that too," you pretend to care.

He takes a sip of soda from his glass. "Well, tinapos ko ang business ad. And one of the things I own is a resort."

"Oh, ok. So bakit ka nasa office kanina?"

"Your Sir Paco's daughter is celebrating her debut, and sa resort ko ang venue," his lips curl up into a small smile, before adding:

"Specifically, sa resort kung saan tayo--"

"Ok. You own that resort. Tapos?" you cut him off bago pa siya may masabing kung ano-ano. Hindi mo yan kailangan right now.

"Well, that's it. Nag-meeting kami tungkol sa venue at catering, and nakipag-meet na rin sa event organizer."

"Oh, okay," you shrug.

"Ang tagal ni Sir Paco," you muttered right after, admittedly for the purpose of not letting him know that you're not that excited to be talking to him.

"Where did you go, by the way?"

Tiningnan mo siya. "Ano?"

"Where did you go... after that? Hinanap kita."

Hinanap ka niya? For what?

"Doon ako kay Lola tumira. Doon na rin ako nag-college."

"Bakit ka umalis?"

Napataas ka ng kilay. Seryosong tanong ba yan, galing sa kanya?

"For my sanity. I needed a fresh start." you say simply. "Let's stop talking about... whatever that was, Goyo. And stop pretending that you care about my life now."

"I do."

"Well, now you don't have to."

"Oh good, you're talking! Nag-worry akong baka ma-uncomfortable si Jay kasama ka! Hahaha!" Paco showed up as if on cue.

"Hindi naman Sir," you faked a smile. "Okay naman pong kausap si Sir Greg."

"Oh, okay. Hatid ka na namin, Jay?"

"S-sa sakayan lang po ng bus, Sir, if pwede," you say. Nahihiya ka mang maging mapili, pero mas ok na yun kesa magpahatid ka sa bahay mo.

Sure enough, they dropped you off on the bus waiting area. Kumaway ka kay Sir Paco bago sila umalis, and blankly stared at him at the back.

\- - - - - -

Hindi naman sa bitter ka pa (no, bitter ka pa. Lowkey lang), pero sa sobrang badtrip mo sa pangyayari ngayong araw, pinalabas mo na lang ang energy sa paglalaba.

"Anong nakain mo? Bakit pati damit ko nilabhan mo?" Pambungad na tanong ni Kuya Andoy mo pagdating niya sa apartment. "Birthday ko ba ngayon at nakalimutan ko lang?"

"You're welcome," sarkastikong sagot mo. "Minsan lang to mangyayari, Kuya. Sulitin mo."

"May nangyari ba sa trabaho? The last time na naglaba ka ng damit ko, doon pa tayo nakatira kay Lola. Tapos pilit pa yun. So anong...?"

"May nagpakita lang pong masamang pangitain kanina," sabi mo, at nagpatuloy sa pagsasampay.

"Hmm, sino..."

_**beep beep~** _

Kinuha ni Kuya Andoy mo ang cellphone mong nasa mesa. Binasa niya ang text:

"Hey, EJ. Si Goyo ito. Can we talk?"

Iniwan mo ang mga damit na isasampay mo pa lang at tumakbo papunta sa cellphone mo. "Paano niya--"

"Yan ba ang masamang pangitain na tinutukoy mo?" Tanong ng nakakatanda mong pinsan. "Sino yan, ex mo?"

"Parang ganun na rin," irita mong sagot. You dialled the number, at bumalik sa may balkonahe.

"Ako na lang magsasampay ng natitira," Andoy volunteered. "Mukhang kailangan mo ng time and space."

"S-sige po, Kuya. Salamat," tumango ka habang hinihintay na sumagot si Goyo. Naglakad ka papunta sa kwarto mo at nagsara ng pinto.

"EJ! Hi!" Yan ang una mong narinig mula sa kanya. "I'm so glad--"

"Saan mo nakuha ang number ko?"

"Kay Mr. Roman. Anyway--"

"Wait." Nilagay mo siya on hold at hinanap ang number ni Sir Paco. Agad mong tinawagan ito, at sumagot rin naman ito agad.

"Jay?"

"Good evening Sir," you calmly greeted. "Bakit niyo po binigay kay Sir Greg ang number ko?"

"Dahil may pinapapanood ka raw na YouTube video sa kanya, kaso nalimutan niyang hingin ang number mo," Sir Paco explained. "Bakit?"

"Nakngputa," you mouthed.

"Ay oo nga pala! Nalimutan ko po. Sige po Sir, sorry po sa istorbo."

"It's okay. Good night."

You huffed angrily before going back to the call with Goyo.

"I can't believe na naniwala naman si Sir Paco sa excuse mo," you said. "So, anong kailangan mo?"

You swear you heard him giggle from the other line. "I was just wondering if we could have lunch tomorrow? You know, to catch up... properly?"

"Hindi pa ba enough ang awkwardness kanina?"

"Gusto ko lang naman makuha ang awkwardness between sa'tin, that's all. Matagal na rin naman tayong hindi nagkita."

"There's a reason for that, Goyo. You know why I had to move away."

He sighed from the other line. "Gusto ko lang namang patawarin mo ako. What I did back then was fucked up at diring-diri ako sa sarili ko, looking back at it now."

Naririnig mo ang lungkot sa huling sinabi niya. This guy is obviously trying his best to get you to be okay with him.

(Pero kaya mo ba?)

"If I say I forgive you, would you stop bothering me?"

"You could say you forgive me and not mean it, EJ. I need proof."

(Wow, sa kanya pa nanggaling yan? He said that he picked you when Remedios left him; but did he mean that? No, he was just afraid of being left alone.)

"So anong gusto mo? Ako pa talagang magpapatunay dito na napapatawad na kita? Wow. How convenient for you," you scoffed.

"What I meant is that... gusto kong maging magkaibigan tayo ulit. Kahit yun lang."

("Ulit"? Were the two of you ever just friends? Maybe on Facebook.)

To be friends with the person who completely destroyed you... that's a good idea and a bad idea at the same time.

Bad, because you know for yourself that you will always have a spot in your heart that doesn't completely hate him. Alam mo naman na ang tanging dahilan kung bakit masakit pa rin ay dahil may maliit pa na parte sa'yo na baka, baka lang, may mga damdamin ka pang natitira para sa kanya.

Good, because it might just help with your sanity. You've always been a firm believer in the possibility of being friends with the people who hurt you, wholeheartedly. Minsan, kailangan lang namang pag-usapan para maging okay ang lahat. Yan din naman ang naramdaman mo noong nag-usap kayo ni Remy, hindi ba? (Kahit ikaw ang nanakit, isa sa mga bagay na halos nagpasira ng utak mo ay ang bigat ng konsensiya mo sa ginawa mo.) Pagkapos niyong mag-patawaran, gumaan ang loob mo. Deep inside, naniniwala kang pwede rin iyang mangyari sa inyo ni Goyo.

"So, friends?" Tanong niya.

"Friends," simpleng sagot mo.

"Sinasabi mo lang ba yan out of politeness o gusto mo talagang maging okay na ang lahat sa atin?"

"Both," you say before turning off the call.

For your sake, you hope it works out. Masyadong matagal mo na ring hinahawakan ang sama ng loob mo.


	7. Chapter 7

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART VII**

"Finally!" Sigaw mo as soon as you pressed the last period on your article. Binalik mo ang cursor sa umpisa ng paragraph, and started to check kung may mistakes ka.

"Tapos na rin ako!" Sigaw rin naman ni Joven, na malakas na pinindot ang period sa keyboard niya. "Proofread ko na rin."

Habang nagbabasa kayo ng articles niyo for correction, bigla namang bumukas ang pinto.

"GOOD MORNIIIIIIING!!!" isang malakas ng bati ng babaeng pumasok. Naka-school uniform ito, at pumunta ito kaagad sa harap niyo.

"Francheska Roman, nag-cutting classes ka na naman ba?" Taas-kilay mong tanong dito.

"Naku, hindi po, Kuya EJ! Promise!"

"Hmmm, I'm telling you ha. Hindi maganda yan. Marami kang mami-miss sa isang araw ng pag-absent," paalala mo.

"Ang OA mo naman, Kuya! Hindi nga ako nag-cutting! Wala lang talaga kaming class sa morning kaya pumunta ako dito," paliwanag niya. "Paano mo ba natitiis ang pagka-paranoid nito, Kuya Joven?"

Tumawa ng mahina si Joven. "Nasanay lang ako. Pero tama rin naman siya, Cheska! You're gonna be 18 soon, you need to be responsible."

"Hindi. Nga. Po. Ako. Nag. Cutting," she rolled her eyes.

"So, anong sadya mo dito?" Tanong mo, habang nagpapatuloy sa proofreading. "Umalis si Sir Paco. May meeting."

"Hindi naman si Papa ang pinunta ko dito! Kayo!"

"Ha?" Tanong niyo ni Joven ng sabay.

Umupo ito sa harap ng desk mo at binuksan ang bag niya. May nilabas siyang dalawang card.

"You're invited sa debut ko, hihi," she says as she hands the two cards over to the two of you.

"T-taka, invited kami? Bakit?" Tanong ni Joven.

"Ewan? Dahil close tayo?" She rolled her eyes. "Kuya Joven naman oh."

Tama nga naman. Close naman kasi talaga ng batang ito. Una kayong nagkakilala noong nag-cutting classes ito at pumunta sa opisina ng Papa niya. Sa kasamaang palad, may ginagawa si Sir Paco sa araw na yun kaya hindi siya pwedeng pumirme sa opisina. Kaya sa labas ito tumambay.

Di nagtagal ay nag-usap kayong tatlo at naging close. Kaya tuwing pumupunta iyan dito, napapadaldal kayo sa walang oras.

Tiningnan mo ang card na hawak mo. Magaling ang pagkaka-design. Engrande. Pero ang nag-stand out talaga sa iyo ay ang venue.

_That_ resort.

\- - - - - - -

Hindi ka masyadong excited sa lunch dahil hindi ka sure if you're ready to sit through at least an hour of awkwardness. Sure, deep inside medyo gusto mo na ring makipag-kaibigan sa kanya para mapatay mo na lahat ng hard feelings mo.

Pero, alam mo na ang process nito ay magiging mahirap, especially sa beginning stages. Can we just skip to the part where you're good tapos you're already happily living your best life?

Unfortunately, you can't. That's how real life works.

"Hi, good morning Sir," bati ni Joven sa bagong pasok.

_Oh shit, he's here._

Bakit niya ako sinundo?

"May pinuntahan po si Sir Paco eh," Joven continued.

"It's okay, hindi naman si Mr. Roman ang pinunta ko dito."

"A-ah, ganun po ba...?" Joven stuttered, and then looked at you when he suddenly remembered your story. "Ikaw ba?" he mouthed.

(Alam niya na sa labas ka maglu-lunch ngayon pero hindi mo na sinabi kung sinong kasama mo, mostly because grabe ang trashtalk mo tungkol kay Goyo kahapon sa kanila ni Sir Ed. Hindi mo naman kasi akalaing susunduin ka niya.)

You shrugged your shoulder. Malay mo. When it comes to him, you decide na hindi na mag-assume.

"EJ, let's go?" Sabi ni Goyo sa'yo.

Pinanlakihan ka ng mata ni Joven, as if warning you that it's dangerous.

You just gave him a thumbs up because you know you can handle this.

"Sige, ayusin ko lang gamit ko," and you briefly finish your work and clean up your things before standing up to go to lunch with him. You wave Joven goodbye and walked behind Goyo.

"Bakit ang layo mo? Ayaw mo yatang isipin ng mga tao na magkakilala tayo."

"Ba't mo pa ako sinundo?" Tanong mo.

"I just..." he sighed. "Natakot lang ako na baka hindi ka sumipot."

"You know me. I always keep my promises," you said in monotone. You saw a glint of guilt in the smile he gave you, but he continued walking. You followed, of course.

  1. Binuksan niya ang pinto ng sasakyan niya para sa'yo, just like he used to do four years ago. As usual, you would go ins3ide, but this time, there was no "thank you" kiss that would come after.



"Naayos na ba ang sasakyan mo?" He asked as he started up the car.

"Nope. Dinaanan namin kanina pero wala pa," you answered. "Saan tayo?"

"Sa malapit lang, don't worry."

\- - - - - - -

"So, how does this work?" you asked awkwardly as the waiter walked away with your order.

He took a deep breath. "Well, I... I thought about it last night."

"So?"

"Why don't we..." he paused. "I'm sure na may mga tanong ka pa na hindi natatanong sa akin, di'ba?"

"What do you mean?"

"Tungkol sa... alam mo na. Sa atin. Unanswered questions."

"Ikaw, meron ba para sa'kin?" You crossed your arms.

"Meron din naman." He gave you a small smile. "I just thought that it would be great kung ma-air out na natin lahat ng mga tanong natin sa isa't isa para... you know, understanding."

"Alright," you agreed. "You start."

"Galit ka pa rin ba sa'kin, after all these years?"

"To be honest, oo. Because you brought out a version of myself that I never thought I'd be. And for that, I hate myself too."

"I understand," he nodded. "Your turn."

"Nananahimik lang naman ako before I met you, so bakit mo ako ginulo in the first place?"

He smiled sadly, again. It was his way of being apologetic without saying it. At least he's receptive of your anger. That means he's sincere.

"Dahil sa chat pa lang, hindi ko na mapigilan ang sarili ko na magkagusto sa'yo."

"Oh, come on. Don't tell me you like me. I don't believe it."

"But it's true!" He defended. "Gustong-gusto talaga kita noon, EJ. Kahit small talk lang tayo at first. And so I tried to convince you to come. I felt like I had to have you or I would miss half of my life."

"At hindi mo ako kayang makuha sa tamang paraan?" You scoffed. "You really had to cheat on someone, worse, my best friend?"

"I wasn't thinking back then. I'm sorry. You deserved a proper pursuit."

"Maybe," you shrugged your shoulder. "Ikaw na."

"Did you date anyone after me?"

"No. I couldn't. I didn't see myself as date-able, I was afraid to be the third party again without me knowing, I was afraid they'd eventually choose someone over me. That's why."

"I'm sorry that I made you think that way about yourself," he bit his lip, in an effort to stop the tears forming in his eyes.

"Uy ba't ka umiiyak? Walang iyakan!" You joked, and handed him a pack of tissues from your bag.

"Sorry," he sniffed. "I just really hate myself. Sige, magtanong ka na."

Shit, he is guilty.

Parang bigla kang natakot na magtanong ng ikaka-iyak niya pa.

"Don't worry," he assured. "Tanong ka lang, kahit ano pa ka-hard hitting yan. Kakayanin ko. Promise."

You gulped. Okay, here goes.

"Ano ba ako para sa'yo? Ano ba tayo?"

"I don't know how to answer that..." he chuckled tearfully. "Would you call that a relationship?"

"To an extent. But not a committed one," you pointed out. "Fuck buddies?"

"You know we were more than just sex, EJ," he replied. "I had feelings for you."

He did?

"So then what?"

"Why don't I add you to my official list of exes?" He suggested, with a laugh.

"Sure. Can I call you my first ex?"

"Of course," he chuckled. "Hi. I'm your first boyfriend."

"And I'm...?" you inquired.

"First boyfriend. Fourth relationship."

"Okay," you shrugged. "There goes my NBSB title. Your turn."

"Minahal mo ba ako?" He looked straight into your eyes, waiting for an answer and hoping you'd say 'yes'.

"Oo. Wholeheartedly. Foolishly, even," you answered undoubtedly. "I was fully committed to you, Goyo. You know that."

"Ikaw naman."

"Minahal mo ba ako?" you repeated his question. This has been something that was bothering you ever since. Ano ka ba talaga para sa kanya?

"Oo," he answered firmly. "Aaminin kong hindi masyado noong tayo pa."

(You couldn't help but smile at the word 'tayo'.)

"Pero when you left, doon ko na-realize that I did. And it even grew more, kahit wala ka na. You were my TOTGA, EJ."

"You've got to be kidding."

"No, I'm not," he crossed his arms and leaned into his chair. "In fact, hindi pa ako nakipag-relasyon sa kahit kanino ever since."

"I don't believe you," you shook your head, smiling. "There's no way na hindi ka pa nakapag-move on sa'kin."

"I tried to go on dates, mostly setups," he confessed. "Pero wala. Lakas ng tama mo eh. I kept looking for someone like you, pero wala. Nag-iisa ka."

"Nasabi mo na rin ba yan sa ibang babae mo?"

"As I said, wala nang iba. Your memory kept haunting me. I couldn't love anyone but you."

You rubbed your chest. "Parang na-guilty ako bigla."

"No, no, it's okay," he assured. "It's not your fault that you're hard to move on from."

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey did you catch the film reference


	8. Chapter 8

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART VIII**

Nagpatuloy lang ang pagbabato niyo ng tanong kahit dumating na ang pagkain, hanggang sa oras na nag-alarm na sa phone mo na you have 30 minutes left on your break.

"Okay, kung may tanong ka pa, pwede mo akong tanungin anytime," Goyo says as you both stand up to leave.

"Pwede mo rin akong tanungin anytime," you smile wholeheartedly, because everything you found out has made you comfortable with him again and you're happy that you don't need to wonder about anything anymore.

Iniwan niyo na ang bayad sa table at naglakad pabalik sa parking lot.

"By the way," dagdag niya pagpasok niyo ng sasakyan. "How's Remy?"

"Wag mo nang balikan," you rolled your eyes.

"Nagseselos ka ba?" he smirked and poked you in the cheek repeatedly. (Medyo nainis ka kaya pinalo mo naman.) "Don't worry, hindi naman ako babalikan nun. Not saying I want to, pero yun. So wag na magselos, EJ."

"Hindi ako nagseselos no!" you denied, red-faced. "She's in a very happy, monogamous, non-toxic relationship with her girlfriend kaya!"

"Girlfriend?" He raised a brow.

"Yup. Don't judge, ikaw nga hindi maka-move on sa'kin diba?" You grinned smugly.

"I wasn't judging. Pero may emphasis pa talaga sa 'monogamous' at 'non-toxic' ha?"

You shrugged. "Just saying."

"Kung hindi lang talaga kita kaibigan..." he muttered as he started up the car.

Neither of you said anything on the drive back to the office. Unlike the way to the restaurant earlier, the silence that enveloped you was a comfortable one. Probably because you could say that you're friends now, and you are sure that you'd function better that way.

Nagpasya na siyang ihatid ka sa mismong office mo. Humindi ka nung una, pero dahil sinundo ka rin naman niya kanina, it wouldn't be "satisfying" kung hindi ka hinatid.

_(Ang arte niya na pala ngayon.)_

"EJ," he began when you reached your office. "May tanong ako."

"Nanaman?" You crossed your arms in attention. "Okay, go ahead."

"If..." he had to stop because he had to chuckle, apparently. "If we had a chance to do it again, and begin in a right way, of course, would you?"

"You know I shouldn't answer that," you smiled at him.

"As expected. At sa totoo lang, I didn't want you to," he replied.

"Oh, at bakit?"

"You'll find out soon. Sinisigurado ko pa kung dapat kong sabihin sa'yo."

"Wow, pa-mysterious."

"Ganun talaga," he shrugged. "By the way, are you invited sa debut ni Cheska three months from now?"

"Oo, bakit, ikaw rin?"

"I own the place, EJ. I'll be there," he patted your head. "Baka ma-nostalgic ka sa lugar at..."

"Pakyu. Babalik na ako sa trabaho. Bye."

"Bye, Ex," he smirked.

"Bye, Ex," you repeated and went inside.

\- - - - - - - -

Just as you suspected, you do function better as friends. Wala kang nararamdamang guilt in the back of your head tuwing nagkakasama kayo. You get to be honest in person and in text. Hindi niyo na kailangang magpanggap na walang restrictions sa inyo.

It's been a great three months.

At least once a week, he texts you to go to lunch with him. Kung medyo malayo pa ang sweldo mo, nanlilibre ito. (Hindi naman ito nauubusan ng pera. He inherited the family business, for fuck's sake.)

There was this one time na sinama niyo si Joven. Ang nakakabata mo kasing kasama sa trabaho, minsan nang nagpahayag ng tampo dahil hindi ka na daw masyadong nakakasama mag-lunch. So, you asked Goyo to ask him to go with you.

In the end, ito lang nasabi niya:

"I'm never third wheeling for you two again."

Third wheel? Ano bang pinagsasabi niya? Eh magkaibigan lang naman kayo ni Goyo eh. You just happen to be really close dahil kahit papaano ay may pinagsamahan na rin kayo.

(Malisyoso ba si Joven? Oo, baka.)

Hindi niyo na rin pinag-usapan ng malalim ang magulong nakaraan niyo. There are some occasional jokes about how messy it was, though. Pero it seemed like something that goes without saying, that you're both fine with how you two are now.

And now, here comes Cheska's debut.

Nag-drive ka papunta sa venue. (Finafuckingly, naayos na ang sasakyan mo. Yung isang araw na pangako ng mekaniko, naging three weeks. You might've been scammed, pero anyway naayos na rin.)

A wave of nostalgia hits you as the cold evening breeze brushed against your face. Dito nagsimula ang pagbago ng buhay mo. Nakakatawang isipin na magkaibigan na kayo ni Goyo ngayon pagkatapos ng nangyari, pero yan talaga eh. Friends can come from the most unexpected places.

"Kuya EJ!" tawag ni Joven sa may entrance. "Nahihiya po akong pumasok, kaya hinintay kita dito."

"Nandiyan naman si Kuya Goyo mo sa loob ah," sabi mo.

"Hindi naman kami close ng boyfriend mo. Awkward naman kung bigla ko lamang i-aapproach dun sa loob."

"Hindi ko siya--" you sighed. "Nevermind. Pasok na tayo."

You were ushered to a round table, with some other people from work. You and Joven recognize some of them, pero hindi naman talaga kayo close sa kanila kaya hindi niyo na kinausap.

"Ilyong?" Nagulat ka nang may tumapik sa likod mo. Sabay kayong tumingin ni Joven sa likod, at bigla mong nakilala.

"Enteng, hi!" bati mo.

"Ang tagal na! Kumusta ka?"

"Okay naman! Kaano-ano mo si Cheska?"

"Pamangkin ko siya! May nakaupo ba dito?" Tinuro niya ang upuan sa tabi mo. You shook your head.

"By the way, si Joven pala. Officemate ko," pakilala mo sa katabi mo. Enteng gladly extended his hand, and Joven shyly accepted the handshake.

"Vicente Enriquez," Enteng says simply. "You look like someone."

"T-talaga?" Joven stuttered. "Sino?"

"My future boyfriend."

"Okay, I'm getting out of here," sabi mo na nakataas ang dalawang kamay at tumayo. Enteng took over your seat and started talking to Joven, who wasn't really the best at talking to people he just met but was gladly entertaining this one.

You head over to the drinks, and while walking, you took in the beautiful setup of the decorations to the function hall. The black and white theme definitely served up a minimalistic vibe to the place, and highlighted the colors worn by the guests.

It was breathtaking. Whoever decorated this might've snapped.

"Fruit punch, _Madame_?"

Goyo was in the buffet table with some chefs, and holding out a party cup for you with punch on it.

"Ba't hindi ka nag-cooking attire? You look weird kasama sila."

"Oh, you know. In case you needed a date."

"Haha, very funny," you took a sip out of the punch. "Did you know na nandito si Enteng?"

"Syempre."

You and Enteng weren't really that close in your one year of college in your first school, kahit magkabarkada sila ng ex mo. Hindi naman niya alam na merong namamagitan sa inyo ni Goyo, pero you occasionally smiled to each other tuwing nagkakasalubong.

"Well, he's currently talking to Joven."

"Oh, shit, really?" He laughed. "Pinakita ko sa kanya yung selfie nating tatlo and he said Joven was cute."

"Enteng's a good guy naman, di'ba?" You inquired. "Kailangan ko bang mag-alala para sa officemate ko? O katulad din siya sa'yo?"

"Uy, grabe ka!" He pinched your cheek. "Barkada nga kami pero hindi naman yan kasing gago ko. Don't worry."

"Ladies and gentlemen..." a lady in front said through the mic.

"Ayan, mag-uumpisa na ang program. Go back inside," he said, waving his hand forward as if shooing you away. You dramatically rolled your eyes and turned to go back to your table.

(Pagbalik mo dun, naramdaman mo agad ang kuryente ng tinginan ng dalawa. Huh, you did not expect Joven to have it in him to flirt.)

Wala naman kayong part ni Joven sa buong program, you were basically just guests. Not that there was a problem with that, you were proud of Cheska yourself. Nakita mo ang saya niya sa daming taong nagmamahal sa kanya.

(Pero truthfully, you couldn't wait for dinner to be served. As of now, what you're only allowed to get from the buffet table at the side was iced tea.)

Nababagot ka lang talaga kasi wala kang kausap. Nandiyan naman si Joven kaso occupied siya. (Ito pala yung nararamdaman niya noong sinama niyo siya ni Goyo. Not that you and Goyo were the same as them. Ganito pala ma-out of place sa dalawang taong close.

Suddenly, your phone vibrated in your pocket.

Is this something exciting finally happening?

"I know you. Gutom ka na?" Goyo's message read. Tumingin ka sa may direksiyon niya. The shithead, he was already eating what appeared to be a burger.

(Saan siya kumuha ng burger? Wala namang ganyan sa menu?)

"Saan ka kumuha ng burger?" you typed in. "Penge."

You only got an emoji with its tongue sticking out as a response.

\- - - - - - - -

After about thirty minutes, hinayaan na kayong kumuha ng food of your choice, pero by table. Unfortunately, you were table #8 so you had to endure your grumbling stomach for a little more.

When your turn came, you practically ran to the serving area. Pagdating mo dun, tawang-tawa si Goyo sa mukha mo.

"Ano?" You grumpily asked. "May pa-burger ka pala, hindi ka man lang nag-share."

"Haha! Sorry, tig-isa lang kasi kami ng team dun eh."

"Whatever," you grabbed a tong for the fried chicken, but you felt him grab your hand.

"What?"

He smiled as he gave you a plateful of food. "Ready na po kanina pa para sa inyo, _Madame_. Ubusin niyo po ha."

"Wow, ang bait naman ng ex ko. May atraso ka ba sa'kin? Mangungutang ka?" you teased. "Pero thank you."

"Hihintayin kitang matapos kumain. May sasabihin ako sa'yo," pahabol niya as he served the next guest.

"Sige. Text me kung lalabas na ako."

\- - - - - - - -

Maya-maya ay na-bore ka rin sa mga messages ng guests para kay Cheska. Pagkatapos ng turn mo, nagyaya agad si Goyo na lumabas na para mag-usap.

"Saan tayo?" you scratched your head.

"Basta," he winked. "You'll enjoy it."

Narealize mo na nasa hallways kayo ng mga kwarto. Nanlaki ang mata mo sa unang pumasok sa isip mo.

"NO. I AM NOT HOOKING UP WITH YOU AGAIN. ESPECIALLY NOT HERE," you stopped walking. "Babalik na ako sa loob."

Natawa naman ang gago. "Shunga ka ba?" He said between laughs. "Sa rooftop tayo pupunta, Madame. Don't worry. Hindi kita gagalawin."

"Phew," you breathed out. "Tsaka wag mo nga akong tawaging 'Madame'."

"Eh minsan kasi kung makapag-demand ka para kang _Doña_ ," he complained. "Bilisan mo."

"Hindi ba uso elevator dito sa inn mo?" You grunted.

"It's just two floors, EJ," he pointed out, as-a-matter-of-factly. Smartass.

You groaned as you dragged yourself behind him.

(Pero napanganga ka naman nang nakita mo na ang lightings sa rooftop balcony. It was like a fairytale.)

"Oh, ano nang sasabihin mo?" You took a seat in front of a small round wooden table and waited for him impatiently.

"The last three months have been surreal," he began. Kinuha niya ang upuan sa malapit na table at umupo sa harap mo. "Getting to know you again... Being friends with you again... Hindi ako makapaniwalang nangyayari ito."

Oh no. This can't be... right?

He takes your hand.

"Goyo, anong pinagsasabi mo?" you laughed awkwardly.

"EJ... Sobra kong naaappreciate ang pagkakaibigan natin. And I'm so happy that things are alright between us."

"S-syempre naman."

_He's not asking you to be in a relationship with him again, is he?_

_If he is... anong gagawin mo?_

(Alam mo naman ang sagot mo eh. You're just really overthinking the considerations.)

"Masaya akong naayos ko na ang lahat. That way, wala na akong regrets."

"Goyo, you're making me nervous," pag-amin mo, at pinatong ang kamay mo sa kanya. "Sabihin mo kung anong gusto mong sabihin."

If he's going to say it, you'll be ready.

_Your answer is ready._

"EJ, I will be moving to New York two weeks from now! Ako na ang magma-manage ng branch doon!" he revealed. "Isn't that great?"

Oh.


	9. Chapter 9

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART IX**

  
In the long time you have known Gregorio del Pilar, he has caught you off-guard many times. But four moments stand out the most:

1\. The first time you laid eyes on him and saw what a gorgeous specimen he was, physically;

2\. Noong pinakilala siya ni Remedios as her boyfriend;

3\. Noong nakita mo siya ulit sa office ni Sir Paco, after four years, and;

4\. When he told you he was moving to New York.

Once again, wala ka na namang masabi as a response.

You wanted to be happy for him. You wanted so bad to hug him and congratulate him for this new milestone in his career. Bilang isa sa mga pinakamatatalik niyang kaibigan, you should, at least, do that.

Pero paano ka naman?

_Paano naman kayo?_

"Okay ka lang ba?" nag-aalala niyang tanong.

"Y-yeah!" nasabi mo. "Congratulations, Goyo. I'm... happy for you."

"I'm sorry na ngayon ko lang nasabi. Matagal na ako actually na-inform na may possibility na mangyari 'to, pero I wanted to make sure bago ko sabihin sa'yo," he explained.

Siguro'y napansin niya ang lungkot sa mukha mo, at ang biglang pagkawala ng gana mong magsalita.

"I'll keep in touch, don't worry!" He assured, with a light squeeze on your shoulder.

And as if on cue, your phone vibrated.

It was Joven.

"Kuya EJ, nasaan ka?" he asked from the other line. "Magpapa-picture kay Cheska by table. Bumalik ka na dito, dali!"

"Sige," your voice was almost choked up. You quickly stood up and walked at a fast pace towards the stairs.

"EJ!" Goyo called out. "Balik ka dito agad ha?"

Hindi ka na tumalikod. Instead, you just gave him a thumbs up.

Dumali-dali ka naman pabalik ng function hall, at sandaling binasa ang mukha mo sa kay CR.

"Get your shit together," sabi mo sa salamin at pumasok ulit doon.

Nagpa-picture ka lang kay Cheska, nagpaalam kay Joven (na hindi ka sigurado kung uuwi nga ba talaga yan sa kanila ngayong gabi, pero di bale na kasi masyadong marami ang nasa isip mo), at pumunta sa sasakyan mo.

Pagstart mo ng sasakyan, nakatanggap ka ng text mula kay Goyo.

_"Hey, tapos na? Balik ka na dito lol"_

You breathed in deeply before typing in a reply. "Sorry. Uuwi na ako. Not feeling well."

**(That was half-true.)**

\- - - - - - - - -

"Hindi ko naman akalaing magiging ganito eh," you sobbed against Joven's chest. Hindi mo naman planong maging third wheel sa kanila ni Enteng ngayon (seriously, they're dating already?) pero since they asked kung ok ka lang, and since you needed someone to talk to, napahagulgol ka sa walang oras.

(And since nasayo na rin ang atensyon nila, hindi ka na out of place.)

Si Enteng, kahit hindi naman masyadong nakaka-intindi ng sitwasyon niyo ng kaibigan niya, naki-comfort na lang din with some back rubs. (Joven did promise to fill him in later, as long as he didn't say anything to Goyo. Of course, he agreed, saying it wasn't his story to tell.)

"Hindi ko naman akalaing mahuhulog ako ulit. I mean, we were as platonic as platonic can get."

"I don't think the two of you were ever platonic," Joven chuckled. "Kuya EJ naman kasi, what did you expect from hanging around with someone you loved so much? Especially since nagbago na siya this time?"

"Ewan. I mean, masaya naman akong magkaibigan kami. I was content with that," you confessed. "Pero nung sinabi niyang mag-iibang bansa na siya... bakit nasaktan ako?"

"You promised to keep in touch naman, di'ba?" Joven reminded. "Hindi naman mawawala yun."

"Kahit na... he'd be unreachable. Parang LDR, kaso walang R."

"Gusto mo bang papuntahin ko siya dito para mag-usap kayo?" Enteng suggested.

"NO!" you and Joven answered at the same time, in different intensities.

"Sorry," Enteng scratched his head. "Suggestion lang."

"He doesn't have to know," you decided. "Ayokong mabagabag pa siya sa decisions niya. My feelings are my responsibility."

\- - - - - - - - -

Two weeks went by like a blur. Busy rin si Goyo sa pag-process ng kailangan niyang tapusin kaya hindi kayo nakapagkita, hanggang sa despedida niya.

"There's my best friend!" Ang sigaw niya nang nakita niya nang lumabas ka ng sasakyan mo sa harap ng bahay niya. He envelopes you in a hug, and you give it back as well, because even though you couldn't tell him how hurt you are, you have to savor every moment.

Wrong timing, hindi ba? Fate's a bitch.

(Maybe it's just easier to blame fate rather than your tendencies to fall quickly.)

"Uy, bitaw na!" Goyo jokes a minute into the embrace. "Gusto mo yatang isama kita sa New York eh!"

"Gago, ikaw yung hinihintay kong bumitaw," you shoot back. "Akala ko nga ipapasok mo ako sa maleta."

"Kung pwede lang..." Goyo smiles. "Isasama ko kayong lahat. I can't imagine life there without everyone here."

(Okay na sana yung unang part eh. Pero oo nga pala, ikaw lang ang nagmamahal.)

"Anyway, have fun, EJ. As much as I want to give my closest friend my undivided attention, hindi pwede. We have a lot of guests," he says as you go inside the house.

"We've been friends for three months, closest na agad?" you smirk.

"But we've known each other longer than that," he pokes your nose and walks away to another group of friends. Thankfully, dumating din kaagad sina Joven at Enteng at nakaupo rin kayo sa isang sulok.

(Kumuha ng isang bote ng alak ang dalawa. You, however, are famously known for your disgust towards alcohol, so you stay away.

You have to. Baka may masabi ka pa.)

"Yo! Yan na ba ang boyfriend mo?" Naramdaman mong may umakbay sa'yo. (Na kay Joven ang isa niyang kamay naka-akbay.)

"Julian!" Enteng greeted. "Oo, yan nga. This is Joven, tapos si EJ, kaibigan niya. Guys, si Julian. Kuya ni Goyo."

"EJ..." Julian eyes you from head to toe. " **That** EJ?" Tanong nito.

"H-ha?" natameme ka.

"Ikaw ba ang EJ na iniiyakan ni Goyong noon?" He sits beside you and pours himself a drink.

"B-baka?" You cluelessly respond. "Bakit...?"

"Ba't alam ko? Hahaha!" Julian messed up your hair with a boisterous laugh. "Syempre, kapatid ko yun eh! Lahat sinasabi niya sa'kin! Nahirapan mag-move on yun sa'yo."

"A...ahhh," you nod, almost nonchalantly. What's the point of knowing more details about this now, anyway? Wala naman kayong patutunguhan. After all, you were the one who made it clear that you'll function better as friends and that you'll keep it that way.

So bakit biglang nagbago ang timpla mo?

(Again, you can't really blame anyone.)

The night went by with you watching Joven and Enteng get drunk (and eventually make out) and with Julian teasing you about being a couple with his brother.

Tangina, kung alam niya lang.

"Kuya, wag ka namang magpakalasing diyan, ikaw maglilinis nitong mag-isa bukas!" Goyo jokes as he sits beside you. The last group of people had just left, and Joven and Vicente ended up just cuddling on the couch.

Parang napagod ka na rin; you've been working the whole day before coming here, and not to mention talking to Julian was also mentally exhausting. You feel yourself slowly drifting off to sleep, but you stop yourself continuously.

You can't let this night end like this.

Something has to happen.

_God, I should've drank a little._

"Hey, matulog ka na..." Goyo whispered from beside you. "Ihahatid mo pa ako sa airport bukas di'ba?"

"Bukas ka na ba talaga aalis? We have an hour before it's tomorrow," you said as you leaned into him. At this point, humihigpit na ang laban ng kagustuhan mong matulog at kagustuhan mong lubusin ang huling gabing ito.

"9 pa naman ang flight ko," he says. "Dalhin na kita sa kwarto para makatulog ka." He slownly scooped you up and carried you bridal style, and you leaned your head on his shoulder.

(Parang ang ganda mo naman yata.)

When you reached the bed, you decide to just sleep. Because reality had already sank in.

Wala na talaga. Hopeless case na kayo.

(Kung kailan patulog ka na, dun ka pa mas nagising.)

\- - - - - - - - -

You never really expected that the next time you'd wake up to Goyo's morning face would be on the day of his departure. But then again, you never really expected to see him again at all, let alone fall in love with him all over again.

Siguro parang breath of fresh air ang pagiging magkaibigan niyo. Wala kang kailangang alalahanin, dahil hindi niyo na kailangang patagong magkita. Wala siyang girlfriend, kaya malaya kang makaramdam ng kilig paminsan-minsan.

Pero wala talaga, eh. Maybe if you had enough time, everything would just fall into place.

(Oh, stop kidding yourself. You wouldn't even have realized you loved him if it wasn't for him moving.)

You watch lovingly as he slept. The sunrise behind him made him look delicate, in a way. Like you just needed to keep this moment forever.

You grab your phone and take one quick photo.

Unfortunately, the shutter sound ruined the whole moment.

"Anong...?" he mumbled in shock, and then paused when he saw you smiling with a phone in your hands. "Ikaw ha."

"Good morning," you greet him, and your eyes widened as he pulled you close for a snuggle.

"Ayoko pang umaliiiiis," he groaned. "Samahan mo ako dun, EJ. I'll pay for your ticket."

Kung pwede lang.

"Tapos anong gagawin ko dun, maglilinis ng bahay mo?"

"May sweldo naman!" He joked. You pinch him in the side and settled more into the embrace.

\- - - - - - - - -

You wanted to cry as you followed him into the airport, dragging a bag behind you. The familiar voice of Colbie Caillat flowed smoothly from the speakers as "In Love Again" seemed to be a bit too appropriate for everything you're going through.

And it hurt even more that he was so clueless about it.

When you reached the waiting area, that's when you finally gain the courage to at least... make something happen.

You didn't want to ruin anything for him today, but you couldn't contain yourself any longer.

You grab his arm.

"EJ?"

You pull his taller figure down into yours for a kiss.

_And he was kissing you back, as well_.

Softly, and slowly, as if hoping for time to magically slow the fuck down and let you savor these last few moments.

(The people in the airport had no idea what you're going through, so they clap. As if you were a housewife saying goodbye to your husband. But you were not in a romantic film. You're just Goyo and EJ. Just friends.)

And then, reality sinks in again.

You pulled away.

His widened eyes stared into yours, and you looked down, before gathering strength for what you're about to say (whatever that is. You honestly didn't know what to say, either).

"Three months ago..." a choked breath seemed to halt your words. You looked up at him with your teary eyes, and continued. "Tinanong mo ako kung willing akong magsimula muli, and this time, sa tamang paraan."

The shock on his face didn't disappear.

"I told you I didn't want to give an answer, but I did have one," you gripped the handle in the bag you're holding. "I could've just said no, right? But I didn't. Kasi, alam kong deep inside, gusto kong magsimula muli tayo. And even more noong naging magkaibigan na tayo.

Pinigilan ko naman, Goyo. I thought that we could just be friends. I thought that mawawala din ang kilig na nararamdaman ko minsan, because maybe parte lang talaga iyon ng adjustment stage.

But the truth is that I never stopped loving you. It just became easier to hide it. Pero kahit kailan, I never completely hated you, or forgotten you, or anything. There was always a part of me that belonged to you, and I felt guilty for having that.

Kaya noong bumalik ka at naging malaya na tayong maging magkaibigan, that's when I felt my feelings grow back again. And I tried to deny them, but this time, they're stronger. And more importantly, it doesn't have to harm anyone anymore."

"EJ..." Goyo managed to say.

"I'm sorry for ruining today for you," yumuko ka. "I'm not asking you to love me back. Gusto ko lang masabi sa'yo bago pa ako mawalan ng pagkakataon. Come to think of it, this was selfish, huh?"

"I-- I don't know what to say."

"Thank you for everything, Goyo. Mag-ingat ka doon."

And for the second time in your life, you walk away again from the person you won't be able to see in years.


	10. Chapter 10

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART X**

> _Lonely beds. Different cities._

Alam mo namang hanggang gulat lang naman si Goyo sa biglang pag-amin mo. He, of course, tried to make things normal. A day after, he sent you a video of his house. Tapos videos of him na gumagala around New York City. He'd message you "what's up?" every night, and even request for video calling.

But you never answer.

Hindi ka rin sigurado kung bakit. Nahihiya ka ba? O nalulungkot ka lang? Baka galit ka dahil hindi niya napanindigan ang damdamin mo?

Either way, you choose not to answer, kahit gustong gusto mo. Kahit na sobrang nasasabik kanang yakapin siya. Hanggang tingin ka lang sa cellphone mo. Hanggang tingin ka lang sa Active list, nakatitig lamang sa pangalan niya.

"That green dot is not going to press itself," nagulat ka nang naramdaman mo may tumapik sa balikat mo.

"Kuya Andoy," sabi mo. Ngumiti ito sa'yo at umupo sa tabi mo. Inakbayan ka nito at pinasandal sa kanya.

"Ilyong, miss mo na siya, hindi ba?"

"Sobra," sagot mo sabay punas sa nangingilid na luha sa mga mata mo.

"So what's holding you back?"

"Hindi ko alam," you sighed. "Siguro dahil alam kong hindi ko pa kayang magpanggap na okay lang para sa akin na magkaibigan lang kami."

"Bakit kailangan mo pang magpanggap?" Tanong ni Andoy. "Are you afraid that it'll be awkward?"

"Of course! What am I supposed to do, be openly flirty? Ayoko nga!"

"All I'm saying is that you just talk naturally. Kung namimiss mo siya, tell him. If you want to talk to him, go ahead. Kung nararamdaman mong kailangan mong mag-I love you, go say it."

"I don't want him to be uncomfortable."

"He's the one reaching out, EJ. Trust me, he's not uncomfortable with you."

A pregnant silence followed as you thought about it. You couldn't quite catch any whiff of bravery to muster, and so you conclude to not do it. Not yet.

"Hindi pa ako ready, Kuya. Maybe some other time."

Andoy raised his hands in defeat. "Whatever you want, Emilio. Just... just don't delay too much. Baka mahuli ang lahat."

You didn't sleep that night.

You couldn't.

\- - - - - - - - - -

You were in the middle of rearranging and redecorating your desk (yeah, you just needed a distraction) when the Skype ringtone beeped from your PC.

"Remy".

You put all of your things aside to answer. After all, you were open to distractions, no matter what shape or form they take on. You didn't need free time, baka ano pang magawa mo.

"Hey, Baks! I missed you!" Remy greeted from the screen. "Busy ka ba?"

"No, not at all! I'm actually on break."

You paused for a second. Kahit magkaibigan kayo ni Remy, you couldn't help but remember Goyo because of her. After all, she played a big role in your story, even if she didn't know it.

Maybe...

"And it's a good thing na tumawag ka," pahabol mo. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

Remy's eyebrows raised in interest. "Sure, what about?"

"About..." you hesitate at the last second, but you make a mental note that she deserves to know. "It's about... Goyo..?"

Nakita mong medyo kumunot ang mukha nito. Is this a bad time?

"What about him?" she nonchalantly scoffed.

"Well... we talked recently. Three months ago, actually."

"Tapos?"

"Naging magkaibigan kami. And I..." you took a deep breath.

"Bakit?"

"I'm in love with him again, Remy," you confessed. "And I just thought that you deserved to know that this time, and maybe, like, ask for your permission or something."

"Hahaha!" Remy giggled. "You don't need my permission for that, EJ! I'm very happy right now, and I'll be happy if you are. Pero thanks for updating me tungkol sa buhay mo."

"It's just that... gusto ko lang gawin ng tama ang lahat this time," you smiled meekly. "I think you deserve that, too."

"I really appreciate that you're updating me, EJ. At kung nag-aalala kang hindi pa kita napatawad, I have. Sobrang tagal na nun."

"Thank you, Remy," you grinned tearily. "Aren't you going to ask me if he's changed?"

Remy smiled. "Matalino ka naman, EJ. I know you wouldn't fall for him, or even be friends if he didn't," she said. "So, kumusta? Kayo na ba?"

"Well, about that..." you scratched your chin in uneasiness. "Nasa New York na siya ngayon eh. Umamin ako before he left at... hindi na kami nakapag-usap since."

"Wait, that bastard didn't change?!" she angrily asked. "Dinededma ka ba niya?!"

"No!" you laughed. "Ako yung nang-iignore."

"At bakit?"

"Dahil ayokong ipilit ang sarili ko sa kanya kung ayaw niya sa'kin."

"But he's still trying to get your attention?"

"Oo. He's trying to save our friendship."

"And you think you ignoring him is helping?"

"I know, I know," you sighed. "Alam ko namang ang tanga ko eh. He's a really good guy, he's completely changed. It's just that... hindi ko alam kung paano siya harapin. Nahihiya ako."

"If he's trying to save your friendship, it means na hindi ka niya gustong mawala sa buhay niya," Remy explained. "Did he do something to hurt you again?"

"No, he didn't. Aside from not loving me back."

"Sinabi niya ba iyan sa'yo?"

"Hindi. Pero wala naman siyang sinabi noong umamin ako. He just stood there, shocked. Kaya umalis na lang ako."

Remy shook her head in disapproval. "Why don't you talk to him? Just because wala siyang sinabi, it doesn't mean that he doesn't love you. If he's reaching out, I'd say he loves you plenty."

\- - - - - - - - - -

That night, your phone rang again, showing that he sent messages to you on Messenger. You looked at the world clock and saw that it's morning where he is. So, first thing in the morning, he's still trying?

You decide to do the dumbest thing ever: pretend to be drunk via chat.

Halos lumundag naman ang puso mo noong naramdaman mo ang alala niya sa'yo. He knows how much you hate alcohol, so for you to, apparently, drink, it scared him.

"Magal kits", you sent out, still committing to your fake drunkenness. He didn't reply, but instead tried to call you.

You chicken out. You turn on Airplane mode and go to sleep, heart heavy and tears saturating your pillow.

That's enough pretending for today.

\- - - - - - - - - -

**December 19, 2018**

Hindi ba siya napapagod? Not a day went by that he hasn't tried to ask if you could talk. He still sends updates of his life there. It's been a month since he left, but you've always left him on read.

(Ano ba kasing gusto mong mangyari?)

You found yourself rereading your conversations in the van to your hotel. For your Christmas party, nag-decide si Sir Paco na dalhin kayo sa Iloilo on an all-expenses-paid trip. Noong una, wala kang planong pumunta dahil mas gusto mo lang magmukmok sa bahay mo at manood ng malulungkot na pelikula. Kaso, Joven convinced you it'll be good for your "soul-searching".

In the end, sumama ka na lang.

(Himalang hindi nakasama si Enteng sa inyo. Sa sobrang dikit nila ni Joven sa isa't isa, nakakagulat na wala ito dito ngayon.)

Habang nagbabasa ka ng mga message ni Goyo na hindi mo pinansin, bigla na lang nahablot ang cellphone mo mula sa kamay mo. "Akin na nga yang phone mo," sabi ni Joven at nilagay ito sa bag niya. "Wala ka namang planong sagutin di'ba? So anong silbi ng phone mo?"

"Alam mo, nakakapanibago iyang quote-unquote-maturity mo," you pointed out, pero hinayaan mo na lang sa kanya ang phone mo. "Ako kaya mas matanda sa'tin."

"At mas tanga," dugtong ni Sir Ed sa tabi mo.

Binatukan mo na lang ito.

\- - - - - - - - - -

You were in the middle of unpacking your things in your hotel room when the doorbell rang.

"Si Joven na ata iyan," you whispered to yourself. Pinauna ka lang nito sa room ninyo dahil biglang tumawag si Enteng habang nasa reception pa kayo, kaya tumambay muna ito doon.

Iniwan mo ang mga tinutupi mong damit sa kama mo at naglakad ng mabilis papunta sa pinto.

(In the movies, it was more dramatic than this. There would've been some sort of clue, or a sign, or a dramatic orchestra building up in the background.

But this is reality. This is the noisy, blaring, ear-torturing reality that you're forced to live with for the rest of your life.

No clues. No signs. No warnings. No orchestra. Just you and the annoying blare of the doorbell being pressed repeatedly from the outside.)

You open the door.

"Hey," Goyo's face welcomed you. The tiredness was visible on his face. His hair was all over the place, and he was a sweating, panting mess.

Nagmadali ba siyang pumunta dito? More importantly, bakit siya nandito?

"Kakausapin mo na ako, di'ba? Wala ka nang choice."


	11. Chapter 11

**Of Green Dots and Green Lights.**

**PART XI**   
**Last Chapter**

"Goyo..." you hear the sound of your own voice get out under your breath. Hindi mo malaman kung anong dapat mong gawin - dapat mo ba siyang yakapin at sabihing namiss mo ito? May karapatan ka pa bang yakapin siya pagkatapos ng pag-dedma mo sa kanya ng kay tagal?

Marahil wala. Kaya nagtanong ka na lang.

"A-anong ginagawa mo dito?"

"As you can see, I flew back to Manila to see you. Pagdating ko dun, sinabihan ako ni Enteng na nandito kayo sa Iloilo. Kaya lumipad ako dito kaagad," he explained through heavy breaths and while wiping his sweat with his jacket's sleeve.

"Pasok ka," you said, almost in a whisper. He then nodded and stepped inside, taking off his jacket in the process.

Dahil hindi mo alam kung anong gagawin mo, pinagpatuloy mo lang ang pagtutupi ng mga damit mo para ilagay sa cabinet. Siya naman, umupo sa kama ni Joven at tumitig lang sa'yo.

(Once again, Gregorio del Pilar caught you off guard. It's surprising, but in a way, also not surprising at all. He's the only one capable of shocking you like this, and that's not always a bad thing.)

"Hindi mo ba ako tatanungin kung bakit ako nandito?" He asked from the other bed, crossing his arms.

"B-bakit?"

"Para kausapin ka."

Somehow, you expected that answer.

"Eh yung trabaho mo sa America?"

"Importante pa ba yun?" He stood up and walked over to your bed. "We have more important things to talk about. Umupo ka muna."

You took a deep breath and stopped what you were doing to listen to him. You awkwardly settle yourself a good 15 inches away from him, and waited for him to say anything.

But instead, all you heard was a loud silence.

A little later, he grabbed your shoulder and looked you in the eye. "Bakit hindi mo ako pinapansin? Galit ka ba?"

"H-hindi!" you defended. "Nahihiya lang kasi ako sa'yo... pagkatapos ng ginawa ko. I didn't know how to face you yet."

"So may balak ka bang pansinin ako eventually?"

"Yes, when I'm ready," pag-amin mo. "Hindi ko lang naman kasi alam kung kaya kitang harapin sa lagay ko."

"So paano kung napagod ako sa kakahintay na sagutin mo ang mga tawag ko? Anong gagawin mo?"

"Ewan," you shrugged. "Mapapagod ka ba?"

He slid a palm over his face. "Buti na lang kailanman hindi ako mapapagod sa'yo."

(That ought to shut you up.)

"Oh, ano?" he grinned smugly. "Natigilan ka no?"

"E-ewan ko sa'yo!" Your face was burning up, kaya umiwas ka na ng tingin sa kanya. Nakakaloko ang ngiti niya sa'yo, dahil alam niyang umubra ang pagpapakilig niya.

(This dork.)

"That day, at the airport..." his tone shifted into a more serious one. Tumingin ka ulit sa kanya, dahil alam mong importante ang sasabihin niya. "That day, sobra mo akong ginulat, EJ. You reminded me of the question I asked you on the day we became friends. And your answer was yes.

You told me na gugustuhin mong magsimula tayo ulit, if given the chance.

Actually, I've had an answer to that question for a long time myself."

(If someone put a megaphone to your chest right now, the sound waves would've destroyed the entire fucking building.)

"A-ano?" You hear yourself say.

"I love you more than I did before, EJ. And this time, in all the right ways possible.

Kaya this time, I'll say it again. And this time, I'll mean it.

Pinipili kita, EJ. Kaya huwag ka nang lalayo ulit."

He chooses you. Again. And this time, he didn't have any other choices. It was either you or nothing.

"Loving you was a constant for me, EJ. Hindi iyon nawala, kahit kailan. The four years we had spent apart from each other made me grow up, in more ways than one. Along with that, I grew to realize that the next time I could love someone, if that was possible, I'd love them right.

And you came back. And I tried to love you... in the way you deserved to be loved. You weren't second choice anymore. You are the only one."

"G-goyo..." you sobbed, your heart full of love for the man that had been in your life for so long. "I'm so sorry we took so long."

God, how you missed seeing him smile.

"I don't know if I could say anything more," you chuckled through tears.

Before you knew it, your lips were slowly conquering the space between you, and sofly crashed into each other.

It took almost five years, but you're finally here. Your mistakes redeemed, and your feelings validated. You didn't need to wait anymore. You didn't need to stop your feelings anymore.

The world has given you a 'go' signal.

"Teka!" You stop the kiss immediately upon realizing something. "Bumalik ka dito para jowain ako?"

"That's pretty much it."

"At pagkatapos nito, babalik ka ulit sa US? LDR tayo agad?"

"Nope."

You raise an eyebrow in confusion. "Paano yung trabaho mo dun?"

"Tinapos ko lang yung first major project ko, at binigay ko kay Kuya ang position. I'm back at my old post dito sa Pinas. Isn't that great?"

"Gago ka ba?! AMERICA NA YUN! WHY WOULD YOU THROW THAT OPPORTUNITY AWAY?!"

"Para mabalikan kita dito," he ruffled your hair. "No position in the world will ever be enough to take your place in my life, EJ."

"You're so dumb, Gagoyo."

"Only for you, Mada--"

Before he could finish calling you by that annoying nickname, you grab him by the collar and kiss him again.

"I love you, you dumb bitch," you pause to say, and sofly brought your lips back to his smiling ones again.

At the conclusion of a long five years of your circling, spiraling saga, this is the only ending that would make all of that pain worth it.

(From outside, you hear Joven irritatedly knock on the door. "Seriously? Bakit naka-lock? Can't you do that on the bathroom or something?! Kuya EJ! Kuya Goyo! Para naman akong tanga dito sa labas eh! Ugh, nevermind. Doon na lang muna ako tatambay sa kwarto ni Cheska. Please text me when you're done. AND DON'T DO IT ON MY BED!")

In the movies, this would have been more dramatic. But that's not the case here. You're living in an imperfect reality, so this does not look as dramatic as a movie ending scene.

And it doesn't need to be.

Because you wouldn't prefer to experience this moment any other way.

**_The End._ **


End file.
